Suicidal Ideation

Copyright ©2017 John Wm Beckner - All Rights Reserved

Released from the hospital, a new amputee,
Getting a prosthetic, that is the key.
Lots of healing must occur first,
I have phantom pain, it’s a curse.

My first day home, I’m full of hope,
I soon find out, I cannot cope.
My first act when I arrive home,
Was to sit on the toilet and read a tome.

I found it impossible when I attempted to rise,
Overall, there were thirty-three tries.
I finally succumbed and called my friend Lee,
He got me up on the count of three.

Transferring to the wheelchair was such a chore,
As once again, I fell to the floor.
I hit my head as I went down,
I awoke and looked into a face with a frown.

The paramedic was calling my name,
With these people, I had my fame.
My fall monitor automatically called them,
My incessant falls they would condemn.

To the hospital I said, I didn’t want to go,
“To the hospital you must go, of this you surely know.”
During the night in the hospital, a course I chose,
To kill myself is what I propose.

I tell the nurse if to home I’m sent,
I would die and no one would lament.
A 72-hour hold was placed on me,
They wanted me in a hospital, but none would agree.

Since no hospital wanted me, to home I was sent,
They didn’t care that suicide I meant.
Once home, I executed my plan,
Of life, I was no longer a fan.

Oxycontin and oxycodone, 30 pills apiece,
My life blood flowing, would soon cease.
As soon as I felt I was going to pass out,
I called my friend Chuck, he was very devout.

I knew in my heart that it was definitely too late,
This night my heart would stop, it was my fate.
I wanted my body found by police,
Another crazy fool and the population would decrease.

The call was stupid, I know this now,
I did this though to keep a vow.
My daughter mustn’t find my body,
As a father, I knew that was shoddy.

Chuck had his wife call from another phone,
They sent paramedics so I wouldn’t be alone.
To the hospital I went, fast as could be,
Ten days later “hope”, is what I finally see.

They diagnosed me with suicidal ideation,
I thought why didn’t I use a gun.
They gave me pills and sent me home,
On this earth, I must continue to roam.