My First Love

Copyright ©1978, 1981, 1989, 1992, 2000, 2009, 2014, 2017, 2019 John Wm Beckner
- All Rights Reserved

At the end of the driveway I stood,
At home I should be, I really should.
I saw you for the first time today,
And away from you, I could not stay.

Enveloped in darkness, I dare to remain,
Of my thoughts, you cannot deign.
Why do I stand here as the dew drops?
Light suddenly flashes, as behind me are cops.

They question me but don't understand.
“Why are you here?” they continue to demand.
“I met a girl and fell in love,”
“It was ordained by God in Heaven above.”

“To stay out of jail,” they said, “Go home.”
Around the streets I am too young to roam.
Little did they know that I would sneak back, 
And stay by her window until dawn did crack.

Glumly did I finally go home,
To read Peanuts, an antidepressant tome.
Depression set in, my unwelcome friend,
From the darkest depths, I wanted to ascend.

Still again, later that night,
I went back to make things right.
Determined this time to actually see Pam,
I was afraid when I saw her she'd tell me to scram.

The day before when I first saw her face
When the baseball went over her fence, I gave chase 
Her clean clothes were knocked from the line 
I was too awestruck to apologize, she said, “It's fine.”

“I'm Johnny,” I finally stammered.
Her visage glowed, I was forever enamored.
“Pam,” she said, “Is my name.”
“Here's your ball, go back to your game.”

“Would you like to come play with us?”
“My friend won't mind, there'll be no fuss.”
She said that she had work to do.
She would be mine, I definitely knew. 

I tapped on her window, ever so lightly.
A ritual started, I knew would be nightly.
Her curtains opened, her eyes confused,
Opening her window, at first she refused.

Finally she opened it just a crack,
To say, "Go away, and never come back!"
The window was closed before I could respond.
Of me right now, she was not too fond.

I knew she simply didn’t understand,
It was now or never, the time was at hand.
Persistently rapping upon her window,
Come back, oh please, for my love to bestow.

Finally, the curtains, she threw aside,
Unexpected anger, I was vehemently eyed.
Your assault of words, I did not expect,
My love for you, I wanted to project.

“I’m getting Daddy,” she said with finality,
I realized I must run and avoid certain lethality.
A slight hesitation, I finally ran,
Crushed momentarily, I would create a new plan.

Walking home, knowing I failed,
My evenings plans, utterly curtailed.
I dreaded my fate, the demons I must face,
A loser I was, self-chastising in disgrace.

Quickly made, I formed a new plan,
I couldn’t help it, for I was her fan.
And fan as we know is short for fanatic.
You mustn’t ignore me, it would be too traumatic.

I sat on the sidewalk, just several blocks away,
And wrote my first poem, to you I must sway.
I’ll back off slightly, and watch from afar,
The poem is stupid, and rather bizarre:
Roses are red, the color of your lips
Violets are blue, I must come to grips
To your house, I must make no more trips
Because boys are made of snails and snips.

I can't help that I love you, really a bunch
Your anger at me was a knockout punch.
I know I’m stupid, and you hate me a lot.
Give me a chance, or I‘ll die and rot.
Quickly back to your house I ran,
Unsure exactly as to what was my plan.
The poem I affixed to your window with gum.
I rapped and ran, in hopes you would succumb.

Sleep eluded me, all that night,
The demons I fought put up a good fight.
Exhausted was I the next day at school,
Rethinking my actions, I knew I was a fool.

In elementary school was my day-to-day,
But middle school is where you’d learn and play.
By a single grade, yet quite a distance,
We couldn’t meet, there was too much resistance.

That very cold night I once again traveled,
Noisily I stepped through the driveway, graveled.
That cold, thin air let the sound travel far,
The moon was full, like a guiding star.

When I arrived at her window, surprise rocked me,
A new note was on the window, written especially for me.
Elated at first, then reading with shock,
Downtrodden was I, when I read, “Don’t knock!”

Oddly I noted the curtains were drawn,
Would I stay and look in, that conclusion was foregone.
I knew it was wrong, but I had to peek,
Encompassing her room was an air of mystique.

The quilt pulled tightly to her chin,
The piercing cold caused a shiver to begin.
The moon shining brightly, caused her face to glow.
I could tell she was an angel, there was even a halo.

A light, cold rain, began to fall.
Her mother looked in, it was quite a close call.
I watched longer, pondering if it was a sin,
When all of a sudden, I saw a grin.

She tried to suppress it, but was unable,
Uncovering herself, she wore a gown of wool.
Stealthily she came to the window,
I finally felt that all was apropos.

Her smile did fade as she sensed,
The cold and rain to me were against.
“Where is your coat?” she asked astonishedly,
“You’ll get frostbite, and be an amputee!”

“Climb in here now, but very quietly,”
“Daddy can help, he works in psychiatry.”
I stopped coming in, with these last words she spoke,
Her father’s ire I would not provoke.

She finally convinced me to enter her room,
Acknowledging telling her father would seal my doom.
Hypothermia had definitely set in,
But our relationship would now actually begin.

Pam evoked the epitome of kindness,
She enlightened me, giving sight to my blindness.
I had never known so caring a person,
Perhaps my depression would never again worsen.

“You’re soaked to the bone, take off your clothes.”
“What about your parents?” I hesitated though froze.
“They’re not home, but hurry please,
“I have some towels and you’re starting to sneeze.”

After stripping, she helped me get dry,
I let her know that nothing untoward would I try.
She said she trusted me but didn’t know why,
She said I was weird, but seemed a good guy.

Though shivering still, I felt fuzzy and warm,
Dreading my return out into the ice storm.
She wrapped me in a blanket and hugged me close,
Pam was truly an angel, a Samaritan, I suppose.

At some point I must have fallen asleep,
I awoke with a start, but didn’t let out a peep.
Confused at first, I was lying on the floor,
Lying here, noting my body was sore.

Looking up, I saw her beauteous face,
Then I knew, I was at her place.
Not knowing what to do, or even the time,
When I heard 4 bells, from her clock’s chime.

I reached up with my hand, and stroked her cheek,
Her eyes flew open, I thought she would shriek.
But she smiled and asked, “How are you?”
“The frostbite was fixed, but I might have the flu.”

“But I must leave,” I stated on a serious note.
“In future visits, I’ll wear a coat.”
She smiled and asked, “Will you visit again?
“You’ll only cause problems and be my bane.”

Abashed, I asked, “Are you really serious?”
Slyly, she exclaimed, “You are quite mysterious!”
“To come here with fiery bravado,
“Like none other, in the State of Colorado.”

 “To come back nightly, you must be delirious!”
She led me to believe that I would be deleterious.
She gave me my clothes, warmed over the register,
She said, “Come back soon, my friendly mister.”

She gave me a quilt to wear on my way home,
And a pink stocking cap upon my dome.
She said come back in a week, so I agree.
She closed the window and waved at me.

I didn’t want to leave, but I knew I must,
Though it seemed to me rather unjust.
I’d come back the next night, though she said a week,
To return the stocking cap, I just hoped she wouldn’t freak.

I did catch cold from my previous night’s trip,
But still I ran to her house with zip.
I hesitated once again at her window,
Keeping quiet and my head low.

Finally tapping the window, as I found my nerve,
I suddenly felt full of vim and verve.
Once again I would be
In the arms of my favorite she.

But alas, her thoughts were not as mine,
Her angry face was more than a sign.
Once more my thoughts were completely wrong,
I contemplated the “I done you wrong” song.

The window flew open and I backed away,
I felt her ire, I would certainly pay.
I gave the quilt for her arms to hold,
And said, “I just didn’t want you to be cold.”

“I have lots of blankets,” she angrily snapped.
Like a cornered animal, I felt trapped.
As I gave her the pink hat, she suddenly smiled.
Perhaps I wasn’t so hated and reviled.

She whispered, “Please be quiet, my parents are here,”
As she relented my presence, she grabbed my ear
And quietly said, “I just can’t stay mad.
“Even though you really are very, very bad.”

I scrambled over her windowsill,
I awkwardly perched, then took a spill.
Knocking over the Virgin Mary statuette,
It was as if I’d killed her favorite pet.

From the closed door, her mother called out,
“Is everything all right?” I cowered at the shout.
“Everything’s fine, I’m already in bed,”
Pam said as her housecoat she shed.

I was nestled neatly under her bed,
As the door handle shook, I thought I was dead.
“Why is your door locked?” her mother asked.
I thought for sure I would at last be unmasked.

“We discussed my privacy just last week,
You said I could lock my door, so please don’t freak,”
Pam said to her mother with easiest nonchalance.
“I forgot, you’re right,” was her Mom’s response.

Pam whispered to me from the mattress top,
“You owe me a poem, or I’ll call a cop.”
I wasn’t sure what to say,
I deigned to fake it, so I could stay.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m under your bed, 
Loving you too.
“What makes you think I love you?”
She may not think so, but I knew.
“Because there is no other way it could possibly be.”
Her heart was the lock, but my love, the key.

 “Are you ready to go home?” she asked of me.
“No, not now, not ever,” was my plea.
“To stay my friend, you must leave when I say,
“Or crossing me you’ll regret, and rue the day!”

“I’ll leave because it’s the right thing to do.
“I want to come back, that much is true.”
“Come back you may, but not for a week,”
She continued, “I mean what I say, I’m not very meek.”

I said, “Ok, but know how I feel,
“As before you on my knee, I kneel,
“To tell you I love you, without a doubt.”
She whispered, “I think your demon must be cast out.”

I couldn’t tell if she was joking or not,
But she kissed my cheek as I blushed a lot.
I left hurriedly, and looked back no more,
I ran rapidly home ‘til my lungs were sore.

The next night, unbeknownst to her,
I hid in the alley, behind the Douglas fir.
I stayed there until her light went out,
And recited the oaths and laws I learned as a Boy Scout.

I wanted to keep myself from choosing the wrong path,
So I also recited principles of applied math.
Still wanting to stay and not go home,
I added electrical law, the amp and the ohm.

It was scripture that finally did me in,
And violating Pam’s trust would be a sin.
Reluctantly, I finally headed home,
Thinking of Sunday School, and Mrs. Jerome.

I went back to her home, during the week quite a lot,
Sometimes peering in, sometimes not.
I tapped on her window on Friday night,
She appeared to have been crying, and looked a fright.

She opened the window, right away, though.
No longer did she wear, the angelic glow.
“My grandpa passed away,” she said, oh so sadly,
I hugged her tightly to me, as she trembled badly.

“Pam?” came a man’s voice from behind the closed door,
Without hesitation, I dropped to the floor.
“Are you decent, may I come in?” he asked.
“I’m in bed,” she answered, “and must sleep at long last.”

She had stayed awake for several days,
Her mind was confused, she was in a daze.
I held her hand as she drifted off to sleep,
Tears on her cheek as she would periodically weep.

She awoke when her mother called out in the morn,
The funeral was today, more anguish to be borne.
I hugged her closely, and kissed her cheek,
To let her know that not all was bleak.

She held in her hand some beads with a cross.
She said that it helped in times of loss.
They were going to the funeral, and then to Mass.
I went to talk to Dad, the sergeant first class.

He said the cross meant she was Catholic,
And they believed in God, but also in magic.
Shocked I was, as that meant witches and evil,
Practicing rites and rituals, medieval.

I brooded throughout the remainder of the day,
And talked to God, as I knelt to pray.
Pam was too good, so I must be brave,
And with God’s help, she would I save.

I went to her home, at eleven that night,
Once again the moon, was ever so bright.
She let me in at once, and did not complain.
A week had not gone by, and I was soaked by the rain.

I went to the library, earlier that day,
And learned the rosary was used when she’d pray.
There was no magic, though many rites.
She did go to church, many nights.

Until she fell asleep, she asked if I’d hold her hand.
I fell asleep on the carpet, it wasn’t as I’d planned.
I reached up for her hand, but found instead her arm,
A squishy arm is just another girl’s charm.

I squeezed her arm just to let her know,
I hadn’t forgotten, I didn’t let go.
“Just what do you think you are doing?” she asked with alarm.
“I lost your hand,” said I, “so I’m holding your arm.”

I squeezed it again, saying, “It’s kind of squishy.”
“That’s not my arm and this sounds rather fishy,”
She started to laugh, and said, “Don’t you get it?
“In common parlance, it’s called my tit!”

I jerked my hand away from her breast,
My heart, I thought, would immediately arrest.
My face beet red, much to my great chagrin,
I apologized profusely, while my head did spin.

I headed for the window, she said, “Please stay.
“It’s difficult to believe, your simple naiveté.
“But believe it I do, and it’s truly endearing,
“Never run from me, never go disappearing.”

Pam continued, “I was afraid at first, thinking, ‘How could he do such a thing?’
“But not a bad thought nor action would you ever bring.
“Once I realized your action was benign.
“I laughed instead because all was fine.”

She told me then why she liked having me around,
My antics, she said, would never cease to astound. 
I made her laugh, and empathized when she was sad,
I was the cure for the blues and just feeling bad. 

I stayed 'til five, then quietly went home,
I quickly bathed, and through my hair ran a comb. 
This was the day I sang my solo at church,
To look over the podium, I had a wooden perch. 

I sang, "Jesus loves me, this I know,"
My virtuoso performance the Holy Spirit did bestow. 
I told Pam that night I was so extremely stressed,
She said, "You came through it great, and by God you were blessed."

We spoke many times about our religious differences,
Of both being scouts, and personal preferences,
Of our attempts to thwart Satan by trying not to sin,
Of our being together, she was finally giving in. 

We both enjoyed listening to CBS Radio Mystery Theatre,
Or going to the Matinee and watching a feature. 
Differences we had, such as my love of sports,
And my appreciation of Three Stooges shorts. 

She liked horses, I liked dogs,
My scientific studies, and dissecting frogs. 
She enjoyed home ec as I enjoyed math,
I preferred quick showers, she liked a long bath. 

Just a week before Christmas, I arrived at her window,
With a new plan to keep our dates on the down-low.
I asked her to get dressed and come with me then,
She said a quiet prayer, I heard her say, “Amen.”

Once outside with me, she asked our destination.
I was excited she’d agreed, I began a dissertation,
Explaining why we must have a new place to meet.
Finding the perfect spot was no easy feat.

Across the boulevard and down a path through the trees,
On a log did we sit, and huddled before a cool breeze.
She said it was beautiful, overlooking the lake,
I had a picnic basket, with potatoes and steak.

Afraid she’d be caught, she constantly worried,
So after just 45 minutes, to her home we hurried.
In future trips, we would stay for hours.
She always brought a blanket, I always brought flowers.

About two weeks after New Year’s Day,
As I was holding her hand, while on the floor I lay. 
She suddenly smiled, and with great exaggeration,
Said, "I love you, Johnny B!" The result, my elation. 

In early February, heavy rains abound,
So we met in her bedroom, lest we be drowned.
I said, “Who do you love?” She said, “Johnny B!”
I hugged her with enthusiasm and esprit.

“You’re soaking wet,” she yelled at me.
I arrived in the rain, it’s like high tide at the sea.
Suddenly and unexpectedly, her mother did arrive,
I dropped to the floor, but didn’t expect to survive.

She opened the door, saying, “Why did you yell?”
I scrambled under the bed while hearing the death knell.
It was difficult to scramble under, as I was clothed in layers,
And I layered my soul with many fervent prayers.

A kitten thinks he’s hidden when he hides his head,
I did the same and simply stopped dead.
Her mother came into the suddenly too small room
“Why are you wearing a coat? You’re cold I assume.”

“Perhaps it’s because your window is open?!?
“Always close your window, I tell you now and again.”
“I know, Mom, but earlier it was too warm.
“I put on the coat when it began to storm.”

“You should have just closed the window, dear.”
Her mother continued, “To my rules you must adhere.”
“I know,” Pam answered, “but I was simply too sleepy.”
“Are you ready for bed, do you need to pee-pee?”

 “I’m ready for bed,” came Pam’s mortified reply.
It was hard to stifle a laugh, but I had to try.
“Slide under the covers, but give me your coat.”
Her mother continued, “Do you still have a sore throat?”

“My throat is fine, never better,” Pam scoffed.
“No more pain, and I haven’t coughed.”
As Pam removed her coat, her Mom audibly gasped
“Why are you fully clothed?” Her mother asked.

I held my breath, as Pam answered, without hesitation,
“Mother!” She yelled with consternation.
“I’m cold now and I need to sleep!”
“Get in your gown, and begin counting sheep.”

“I’ll sleep in my clothes,” Pam said, with hopefulness.
Pam didn’t want me to see her change, with little success.
Reluctantly, she walked to her dressing table,
Her walk was hesitant, and slightly unstable.

I saw her in her mirror, she mouthed, “Don’t look.”
I meant to not watch, I felt like a schnook.
My eyes didn’t avert, I drank it all in,
Knowing all the while that it was truly a sin.

Her mother said, “Take off those clothes.”
I was awestruck at the beauty that she did expose.
Via the mirror, I saw her breasts
When the gown covered her, I couldn’t voice my protests.

She looked at me in the mirror and I saw her smile,
She knew I was watching, all the while.
She got into bed, and her mother left the room,
Who enjoyed this most? Why me! That’s whom.

After about a trillion years, I asked if she was mad at me.
She said, “I’m not sure, what did you see?
“Did you see my squishies, while I was momentarily nude?”
“I did,” said I, “But my description wouldn’t be so crude.”

 “Then no more today will we talk of this,”
“You must write me a poem, and don’t be remiss.”
I solemnly agreed to do exactly that.
How do I say poetically that her breasts are fat?

Before I left, as I whispered in her ear,
A hushed goodbye, so only she could hear.
A sudden turn, and my lips she did kiss,
I felt a sudden fever, and certain bliss.

When I got home, I couldn’t rest,
Simply thrilled that I was so blessed.
A lousy poem was all I could write,
Though I felt a future so bright.
The Kiss
We met at the lake with tears in our eyes,
Our path was lit by the moon and fireflies.
Heavy-hearted are we, yet lightly we speak.
Suddenly you kiss me and I just about freak.

Your lips touched mine ever so lightly.
You touched my lips, ever so politely.
What is this fluttering within my tummy?
I don’t know, but I no longer feel crummy!

Staring in your eyes, I feel I will melt.
Never this way have ever I felt.
I touched your cheek with my fingertips.
Then move my finger to caress your lips.

I slowly lean forward, my lips a gun.
Your lips my target, it’ll be fun.
I know I’m in Heaven, and oh, what bliss!
As our love is bound forever, and sealed with a kiss.
One week later, as I promised to do,
For more than she asked for, I wrote a slew.
Each poem was named for a body part.
Such as her lips, and breasts, and even her heart.
Pink-tipped and lusciously curvaceous,
Squishy, yes, but oh so salacious.
The beauty of your large breasts,
Passed all of my sensory tests.

As you unclothed the other night,
My soul was released into eternal flight.
It was a taste of the fruit that Eve gave Adam,
It was only part of the whole of the beauty that was Pam.

Your eyes are shimmering pools of violet,
Above your cheeks so warm and scarlet.
When I gaze in those pools I see a whole new place,
Far beyond the limits of outer space.

Where you and I (and Jesus) are all that exist,
You’re eyes command me and I’ll never resist.
I could look into them forever and an hour,
They hold my soul in a prison of power.

Your hair appeared the color of the raven,
I could nestle against it and feel the safety of a haven.
Upon closer inspection, it was darkest brunette,
To just below your butt, your hair flows yet.

I love the feel and the smell of it,
A glorious framing of your face, to touch it I am unfit.
A feel of voluminous, gossamer tresses,
To touch those strands, your Johnny obsesses.

When we hug real tight, I feel the beat,
Your heart speeds up, and I’m warmed by the heat.
Our blood flows throughout our veins,
Our hearts beat as one, our love it retains.

I cannot explain why I feel as I do,
We must never, ever say adieu.
For then never ending dying would be all I’d know,
Please never leave me, keep me your beau.

The scariest toes I have ever seen,
So oddly shaped, it must be a bad gene.
So crooked and bent, and gnarly too,
When I first saw them, I cried, “sacré bleu!”

Don’t misunderstand, I love your toes,
Socks would help your toes to not overexpose,
Lest little children run away screaming,
And are tortured in their sleep while they are dreaming.

Your nose has the cutest little upturn,
The small button tip is of no concern.
Because the whole of it, (when not runny)
Is as cute as a beautiful baby bunny.

A perfect division for those wondrous eyes,
But in an earlier poem your eyes I reprise.
But know that your nose is very elegant,
Fitting perfectly on your face, that is evident.

Sensuous, voluptuous, pouting and curving are just a few,
Describing that with which you chew.
When sucking on a lollipop, you’re rather brazen,
And on my cheek with a kiss you emblazon.

I like the flavor of butterscotch best,
You kiss my lips, and I know I’m blessed.
You’ve kissed my chest, and I felt tingly,
It makes me desire our bodies to be commingly.

All of You
Finally we come to the whole of you.
From my black-and-white world, to one you imbue.
Your body to me, shows God’s perfection,
I love hugging you, and feeling your affection.

For within your body, your soul glows,
From the top of your head to your crooked little toes.
I want to hold you, and never let go,
I’ll worship you forever, I just wanted you to know.
She listened while I read each verse out loud,
She waited, then replied, “So you say I’m well endowed.
“But I have these horribly crooked toes that ruin the beauty!
“You should have said only nice words, it was your duty.”

I was surprised at her reaction, she didn’t see the humor,
I went from being her true love, to a malignant tumor.
The toes poem was simply a joke,
But I could tell that her ire, did I provoke.

I simply said, “I love your feet, smells, looks, all of your parts.”
Wryly smiling, she said, “Even my farts?”
I didn’t know what to say, so I instead tickled her.
She laughed aloud, her mirth did occur.

As Christmas rolled around, I was without money,
But I, of course, had to get a gift for my honey.
I told my Mom there was this girl I knew,
A very close friend, for that was true.

She said I should make something as long as it was from the heart,
She added that she knew I could do it, for I was very smart.
I didn’t feel smart, as I thought of a gift,
Whatever it was, it would certainly be makeshift.

(this section is incomplete)